LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS

The fear of being alone and needing the companionship of the emotion known as love are easily two of the most dangerous combos existing, in my opinion.

Lately, I’ve found myself living in deep fear of being alone, and making up a obviously false scenario in my mind where I may never find someone I care about, and potentially spend the rest of my life with. It’s really scary, man.

Selfishly, the idea of being in love with someone is something that I greatly desire and desperately want to have. It’s something that hasn’t been able to leave my mind in recent weeks. I’m obsessing over it.

I have spent the main years of my young adulthood being alone, relationship wise. At first, it was something I didn’t mind. When you’re a young adult just getting out of school, a relationship isn’t the first thing that pops into your mind. You’re more worried about taking the necessary steps to further your life, and achieve something to make living more comfortable.

Although I’m still a young adult at the age of 22, it wasn’t until this year that I began to have the desire to have someone to share this whole experience with. I’ll watch movies, and listen to music where a relationship is the main focal point, and I’ll have a feeling of emptiness because really, I don’t know what that truly feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up next to someone and be filled with joy just seeing them.

Of course, I have had chapters in my life with women, but never an actual serious relationship where I thought to myself that this may go somewhere. That feeling is something that I wait for every day with anticipation.

I crave the feeling of knowing that when I look at someone, I know, this is the one. This is my other half, and the person that was chosen for me from the start. I wanna be able to find someone I wouldn’t hesitate a second to marry, and start a life with.

It’s bittersweet writing something like this because it’s painfully happy if that makes any sense. I’m in pain from being alone, but in another aspect of that thought, I’m happy in anticipation that I will be able to feel that indescribable emotion known as love.

C H A P T E R S

It’s really crazy how one moment in time for you, personally, can be so meaningful for yourself, yet mean absolutely nothing for someone else.

It’s been months since I’ve talked to this girl. Which is crazy, because I view the time spent with her as one of the most meaningful, and most impactful learning experiences in my life. For her, though, she’s already moved on, and I feel that she could really care less if she has any communication with me whatsoever.

I view this C H A P T E R as such a huge experience for me. I learned so many things about myself and other I never really thought were achievable. For me, at least. It brought out emotions and feelings in me I never thought would have occurred. It’s just surreal how one moment in time for yourself can have completely different meaning and value for the other person you shared these experiences with.

This post is short, but something that has been clogging my mind for a while now and felt it just needed to be expressed. Hopefully, some of y’all can relate.

Well Shit

It’s been a while since I’ve posted in here. I haven’t really felt inspired to put something together until today for y’all. So here it goes.

As many of you may know (if not, go back a couple of posts), I fell really hard for this girl this year. Something I never experienced before. Up until today, I had feelings for her. Real ones. Again, that’s up until today. I recently found out she got a boyfriend, seems to be doing really good. However, she’s been really shady about it and hasn’t told me at all about it. I also found out today she hooked up with two of my friends.

Needless to say, I want nothing at all to do with her anymore. I spent 7 months changing myself just to try and please her. I wanted her that badly. It’s crazy the lengths that we will go just to try and please someone else. In short, all I want anyone to take out of this post is that you should never, ever, try and change who you are for someone. Stick to what made you, you and don’t change your beliefs for anyone.

(Insert KD: My Next Chapter photo here)

I’m honestly writing this just because I didnt know how else I could express it and get this out of my mind.

I started a new job today, had an amazing day. First time I’ve been stress free in a long time. Then, I got home and got some of the shittiest, mood killing news ever. Mainly because I didn’t know how to feel.

If you’ve been keeping up with these posts, you’d know I’ve had feelings for this girl. Ones I haven’t had for one ever. I got home today and found out she’s in a relationship with someone now. I didn’t know if I should be pissed off, hurt, happy for her. I don’t know. I still don’t.

Recently, we started talking a lot again. She was actually a main reason I went and got this new job. I didn’t want to tell her how I felt until I got my shit together. I thought that was only fair. In a sense, I feel like this may be my fault. I really have no clue. I’m just discouraged by all of this.

The irony of finding out she’s in a relationship the day I get my shit together is just disheartening, man. I was getting ready to tell her how I was feeling about her and everything. This fucking sucks. It’s one of the biggest guy punches ever.

In a way, I feel kind of fucked around. I tried everything I could, even when I was at my lowest to try and meet up with her to ask where we were going. In the end, I can now say that she wasn’t really making an effort to hang with me or anything. I’m not mad about that. I’m more mad at myself that I played into it.

In the end, I’m in a positive place somewhat right now. This will take a bit to get over, but I eventually will, I hope. It’s just funny and shitty how things work out sometimes.

R U S H E S

It’s honestly indescribable how I feel when I’m around you. Every wrong or unfortunate thing going on in my life just abandon my body when I’m with you. The whole world stops when I see you or talk to you.

Never have I ever met someone that I can relate with on this level. It’s crazy to me. I never really thought I could feel this with someone. A sudden rush hits my body just thinking about you. I live for those rushes these days.

Do you feel the same way? I have absolutely no idea. I hope and pray to God that you do. I really don’t know if this feeling will ever come back around for me in all honesty. It’s something I never want to let go of.

When I first met you originally, I never thought this and these feelings would every gain traction. Hell, I never thought I was even capable of feeling this way for someone. It’s crazy.

Wherever it may go and wherever we end up, I just hope that when it’s all said and done, we are both happy.

M E N T A L

The mind is a powerful and at times terrible thing. I’ve unfortunately gotten to know this way too much. For the past 2 months I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad depression.

I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t say it isn’t hard. Honestly, I’m fine up until the point where I’m alone in my mind. Nothing good goes on up there these days. I just feel stuck in life right now and I absolutely hate it.

It would also be a lie if I didn’t admit that a big source of this has been due to the girl I met a few months ago. Mainly because I don’t know where it’s going. At all and I’ve tried moving on but I can’t seem to. On top of that, I have some other things going on to that have been getting harder and harder to cope with as of late.

I have found myself hating and dreading the things that I used to love doing. I find myself being exhausted from things that require the least effort. It’s been a real battle with myself lately. I’ve went through episodes of this before, but it’s never been this intense and excruciating to deal with.

It has reached a point where I’m honestly terrified that I may never figure it out. By “it”, I mean my life and every wrong thing going on in it. It all just seems like a giant hurdle that I have no hope of jumping over. I go to sleep feeling fatigued from my own thoughts and wake up fatigued knowing I’m going to have to repeat the same process that day.

I just hope I can get past all of this, man. It’s getting exhausting have to deal with all of this every day. For every bad day I have had/having, I hope that a new and permanent good one is waiting for me.

Trapped

Lately, I’ve found myself stuck. It’s not the first time and I’m positive it won’t be the last. I’m constantly stuck in this trap of me chasing happiness rather than letting it find me.

I’m afraid of the fact that every single day I wake up, it’s going to be the exact same because it has been for years now. It’s depressing, man. I’m 22 and I can honestly say that so far, these haven’t been “the best years of my life”. They’ve been the toughest.

For the past 7 months or so, I’ve been dealing with depression. I ain’t afraid or uncomfortable to say it. Everyday just seems the same to me. I should be out enjoying life right now, and not isolating myself from everything and everyone. I know I’ll eventually kick this, but shit. This ain’t no way to be living. Especially at the age I am.

It’s scary looking at others around me stuck in their same 9-5 lives and just looking absolutely miserable. I never ever want to feel that. Ever. I don’t want to wake up daily and feel trapped in life, and be in a Vice grip of sadness. It’s no way to live.

I’m committed to making a change in my life. I’ve had so many shitty things happen these past 12 months that it’s about time some happiness comes my way, rather than me chasing it all the time.

Self Control

I’ve been thinking all week about how I should move forward with me and this girl. It’s clear that I’m the only one with feelings currently. At least I think so. In all honesty, I just think this came down to really bad timing. Not to mention that I think at this point in my life, and everything I’m going through right now it may be a bad idea to try and have anything happen with her.

I’ll never stop having feelings for this girl, though. Even though in my previous post it sounded like she did some shady things, I never got to know someone and relate to someone this much, ever. It really felt like I met someone perfect. I couldn’t think of anything I didn’t like about her. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh were amazing and I was blessed whenever I got to see them. Every imperfection she had, I loved.

While we may have grown distant now, I hope one day something will happen with us when the time is right. I’ll never forget this girl and the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on since meeting her. I would lose all self control around her, and would feel out of body. I’ve experienced everything from being happy just thinking about her, talking to her and seeing her. I’ve went through being sad just because I haven’t talked to her in weeks. I know if a person is making me feel like this, it means something.

So while we may not be communicating now, I just hope she is doing great and I wish her the best. Even if it may not include me. I’ve come to terms with that, and have accepted it. I’m ready to move on and hope one day we may cross paths again.

To anyone out there that is experiencing this, the one piece of advice I can offer is do not wait like me. You’ll live in regret doing so. If you feel some way about somebody, tell them. If they don’t reciprocate it back, then move on with your life.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.